January 5, 2019


There are some days where getting out of bed is the first challenge I face. Before you start playing doctor and trying to diagnose me with anxiety/depression, I'm perfectly happy and content with the way I am. Thanks.

Today was one of those days. I had a hard time trying to calm down and fall asleep last night because of overwhelming anxiety. Letting the pessimistic me inside my head manifest into a full "dragging me through the dirt" episode leads me to cry and feel like the most useless thing alive. I wake up not wanting to face the day because I know what I let my inner self do to my mentality. Going "there" is one of the ways I cope – let me explain. I know myself best, we all, usually, know ourselves best. So when we are being the most critical and play "worst case scenario", it really really hurts. By letting myself think those thoughts, it allows me to face those problems and come up with "well, if this really were to happen... how should I handle it emotionally? How should I think about this so that no one has to lose?"

With all of this crap going on inside my head, it puts a full stop to what I have planned for the day. I can't recall the exact quote, but when I used to swim in high school I loved this quote. It went something like this:

Every day that you don't get into the water and practice, someone else will surpass you.

Sometimes, it's not about doing it 100% full and best effort. It's about routine and habits. Skipping one day soon leads to skipping two days, and, eventually, you come to a full stop. On my great days, I'm giving 120% of myself because the only way I know what my limits are are by pushing above and beyond what I had set as my 100% capacity. On my okay days, I'm probably giving life 70-80% so I don't feel burnt out. The point is, is that even if I'm only going 20% that day in the pool, it's always going to beat the person that skipped entirely.

When it comes to studying or work, sometimes the amount of stuff I plan for myself after one of those nights becomes overwhelming and I'm reluctant to start. I take the same approach as I do when I clean – do something brainless and easy to start. For cleaning it'd be as simple as, take your dishes to the sink or throw your trash into the trash can. Then I'd be able to do a combo chain (DDR or any gamer people here?) and go "well, washing this will really only take a few minutes right now" or "the trash is full, I should take out the trash now since I'm here". And then, I get motivated to do a full cleaning: vacuum, sweep, mop, the whole sha-bang.

Today, I found my motivation by using an app called Forest to plant some virtual trees. No, I'm not sponsored in anyway. Heck, probably no one will read this and I won't bother doing any editing. The TL;DR for this app is: set a timer you want to be focused for, don't touch your phone and let the timer complete, gain coins + a mini bush or tree, and, eventually, you'll have enough coins to plant a real tree. This is great because similar to the way I clean, I do this with a modified pomodoro technique. First, I'll read for 5 minutes, take a quick break, and then I'll extend it out to be longer and longer.

My day went from "destined to fail" to getting some reading done, brainstorming for work, learning a something new, and working on my bujo for 2019. Fan-fucking-tastic!